Day 1

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Day 1/April 1

With out you .......... in it.
Sucks – I miss you!

I want you here…………. ​

We have been cattle dogging in your absence. Where you would wander, we wander. Where you would stand staring out the window, we stare.  We are making your rounds for you.We cannot fill your void, though. Our feet don’t make the same click, click, click on the wood floors that yours did.
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We marked the time of your death at 12:30 pm yesterday. But it was not your only day…….
We have 16 years filled with many days – filled with many wonderful memories.

I’ve lost my shadow.

That last night, Thursday, you counted again. You counted your pack. You poked me on the arm, you poked me awake at 3:30 am. Poke, poke. It used to be a nightly occurrence sometime in that 3 a.m. hour. Once I looked at you and pet your velvety spotted head that last night, you went back to sleep. It was almost as if you were saying to me, “I’ll be alright Momma, whatever happens today.”

Daddy drove us to the vet. I sat with you in the back. You always loved riding in the car. I knew you’d try to look out the windows and want to stick your nose out to smell the wind. Your hips were so bad I knew I’d need to support you to keep you from falling down over and over again.

The hour-long ride was cruelly short – but you loved it. We have pictures that I can't look at yet. We didn’t know it would be your last ride……
           Your last day…..
           Your last everything….

We’d talked about it though. We had to do what was best for you – our Baby Des. As I am writing this your sister is smelling your doggie bed – the one that is always in the living room - the one we had in the car for you yesterday as well.

Yesterday……………… You were with us. Today you are not.
Neither your Daddy nor I wanted to get up today – to a day without you in it. 

Day 1 ...........................................................

Emptying the dishes, we pulled out your, now very clean, silver food bowls. I couldn’t deal. I took them down to the basement right away. Eating was always a challenge for you. We learned you lost five pounds yesterday since the last time we’d been in – just a few months ago.

We tried lots of different things to get you to eat. We made special dog stew, wet canned dog food, even meat-only baby food. But standing up for long periods of time became the problem – not what was in the bowls.  Even with all the medicine we gave you, your hips challenged you constantly.
                                      
I see you everywhere and yet you are not here…..

Here for me to see….. Feel or touch. Or to help your muscles, help  your hips get up the stairs by putting my hand on your rump for some extra support. Time and time again you’d stretch your legs on the stairs and almost fall. This was not a move for a really smart dog and it made me laugh – but you were going to do what you wanted to do. You were stubborn to your last breath.
   
You would’ve loved today – it snowed about six inches - the light fluffy stuff. You loved snow. You’d roll around in it – rub one side of your body in it and then the other. It was like you were giving yourself a snow bath. You were just playing in a dwindling snow bank in our yard last week. Daddy laughed how you were perched on top of it to do your business – it was like you were anchoring your feet down in the snow.
           
Bedtime is approaching – a second night without you. I’m relieved the long day without you is over – but it’s night two... I’m sure I will stop counting …..
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Baby Des, I hope you are happy and free of pain (we are not). But I’d do it all over again. You were worth every. Single. Minute.
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​I love you, Momma.

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